when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
