Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
a search helicopter?!
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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