remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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