If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
