I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
