no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
