You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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