dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
