You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize