You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
