Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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