I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
