plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
