it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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