i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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