The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
