Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
