Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
