my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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