allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
