i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
