so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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