he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
