He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
