Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
