Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
