I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
