just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
