New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
