I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
