Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
