so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
