That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
