I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
