Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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