You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
