I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
