brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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