Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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