i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
