My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
