I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
