Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
not ubering you a puppy
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
