i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize