Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
