Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize