She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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