We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
