Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
