That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
