Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
