He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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