Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
