Pants 0. Shit 1.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
