The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
